it’s not you. it’s me.

all these stress i’m feeling, not caused by you. it’s me, feeling it. allowing myself to feel it. i’m not slightest bit mad. i’m just stressed out. that’s all.

maybe i am actually not worthy. i am incompetent. i am a failure.

i feel like shit for doing all the best i can yet it never meet anyone’s expectation. crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even bat an eye for me.

why am i even trying.



I wish I’m not easily stressed out.

I wish I’m better in taking longer breaths to keep myself calm. I wish I’m not easily distraught by the slightest bit of disorder. Really. My life is already a train slipped out of its track and crashed a tunnel yet I screamed out if I see my manga collections moved from their spot by an inch. I shouldn’t be like that.

I should’ve just vent out. I should’ve pointed things out. Or better, I should’ve just make things right.

It’s stressful. It’s exhausting. It’s draining my energy. It makes me feel worse than I originally was. I don’t need this. I don’t want to feel it.



“Almost nothing need be said when you have eyes.”
Tarjei Vesaas, The Boat in the Evening

it was a silly of me to get worked up over people’s comments and remarks. but i don’t like unnecessary words. i loathe it to the bone. people should stop speaking stupid things because they are, well, stupid. your unnecessary remarks, what the fuck is that? to induce laugh? what kind of laughter? cynical? funny? no. you think that’s funny?

your sense of humor is a shitty one.

don’t speak just because you have the urge to give comments over everything. do people speak first think later nowadays? is it a trend? is that what cool people do?

put your words to a better use!

oh, i forgot. they’re just the same useless as you.



New year, new resolution. It was best done without saying beforehand. I do think so. But looking back to previous goals, it seems that I achieved them better when I wrote them down so here we go.

1. To take care of my health and my family better

2015 was another year full of sickness for my family including me. So learning from time, I hope I would be better in taking care of myself. I’m not easily sick but I hope this year I could do a healthier lifestyle. Also eat more veggies!

2. 100 movies a year, a book a month (manga not included)

Since 2014, my goal to watch 100 movies a year have been going incredibly well so I think I would just continue without adding anything. It was a pretty pretentious goal but I managed this far. It was good.

As for the book, I’m looking forward to buy more books from Japanese authors. I really need to train my focus and enrichen my vocabs. I can’t wait to start. Anyway my goal is to read “Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari this year woot.

3. Declutter everything

This will be hard. I realized that I live better with less stuff around, keeping the most used (and useful) one. I plan to dump/donate those junks and unneeded stuffs in the house and reorganize everything. I have four cabinets at home and I planned to dump them all to buy one huge wardrobe organizer system for me and my brother to use together. Sort of walk in closet for both of our stuffs. That way I can have bigger space to live and finally achieve that minimalist life I wanted since loooonggg time ago.

Last time I checked it cost around USD 20K. Really need to get hustlin’.

4. To understand makeup better

No I’m not trying to be MUA or anything lol it’s just that I want to understand how to apply it better, to own more brushes and makeup stuffs (that actually suit me). I want to have mom’s Godly hands eventhough they’re only for myself hahah

I always have problem applying eyeshadows. Maybe I need good primer or maybe my current eyeshadow is too shitty idk. Also I’ve been meaning to try bb cushion for the longest time. I wanna be more adventurous in makeup although I already know what looks best for me.

5. To rekindle the old passion with music

I have to admit that I didn’t listen to much music aside of TVXQ releases and America’s top 40 last year. I want to listen more Japanese music. I want to listen other world music out of curiosity. I want to listen more and appreciate more.

6. Travel! More travel!

Last year I popped my backpack cherry to Jogjakarta. It was super fun and I don’t want it to went other way. This year I want to go to more places, preferably alone. To actually feel the world and be there. I want to see more stuffs!

So the first thing to do is to buy actual backpack and running shoes. Can you believe that I travel Jogja in sandals? For a shoes aficionado like me it was such an achievement haha

Also I need to save up to meet TVXQ on 2017!

7. To be okay with others

I want to emphasize myself that it’s okay for others to leave you and come back for you again eventhough it’s after years. That even friendship has its own break but it never stops. If it does stop then remember that you’re never at fault. Even friendship has its survival contest and it’s okay to lose. Let the time do the selection of friends for you, but do try to be a better friend yourself.

Also I want to cherish more people that have been staying by my side for years. I want to keep them dear and close and do my best for them.

That’s it for now. I have more personal goals but I think I’m going to save it for longer post. In the meantime, adios.